Been Awhile

It's been so long since I last wrote here. I almost forgot I actually have a blog. Each time I wanted to write something my brain just go blank. I don't know. In fact, even now, I don't know what I want to write. There's just so many things in my head now. The clouds, the storms, there's just so much pain in here. I'm just typing out
whatever that comes out of of my mind.

You know how sometimes we always wanted a chance to do something, to prove that we are worthy of that, that chance never seem to come. It's like, you are just being sentence to death without even going under trial. It ain't fair. But who am I to actually say it's unfair? Who am I to actually ask for a chance?

Faith...to believe in things without asking for a reason. How can you say there's no faith when you didn't even give someone a chance to try isn't it? What is all this reasoning? God knows...I don't know whether I should hate myself for this or if I can carefreely put the blames on others. That will make my life so much happier and easier.

At moment like this, I just wish all my closest friend and buddy can be at my side. No, I don't want you guys to be virtual. I want to feel the physical presence of it. I want a comforting hug.

You know, this is so selfish... Things get selfish when you start to think and make decision all based on yourself. Without taking into consideration of other people's feeling? You think you can make a sacrifice and everything will be better? Damn it!!! You ain't Christ the Lord. You alone cannot mend things that is wrong in others.

You think by quiting this game, it will serve as a wake up call? You are so wrong my friend. I hate this I hate myself I hate every possible thing that I can hate now. Why do I need to do this to myself? What kind of shit am I in? I fucking got pulled into this shit and I am left to swim out of it on my own. Fuck you man.

I want to scream my lungs out.

Does it even matter?

You don't fucking make decision on your own when you know that the decision will affect others. Why are you so fucking selfish?

Man...this is just the beginning of everything's tough. How am I to go on somemore?

I need a chance. A chance to prove myself worthy. A chance to prove that I am not wrong and that...So ya, tell me me, what is my fucking weak point that I don't get a bloody chance? I ain't a fucking cunt...

To hell with all those faith that we choose to believe in. This is not real faith. It's fucking make believe. The whole world is just an illusion. This whole idea that days gonna be better. I just don't have the faith to believe in it anymore. How long will this test last Lord? How long do I need to go through all this uncertainties and pains and...

I'm angry...filled with hatred. The fire is just so...

Why? Why do I not believe? Why don't you believe in yourself? Stop being harsh on yourself. Why do we not have faith to embrace what is to come? Who can feel the misery I feel. I am not asking for anything. But just faith to believe in me that I can make things better.

What have I done that I deserve to be in such a state? Have mercy...look into me. Can you see the pain I am going through? Who is there to walk with me?

I just can't feel myself anymore...

I don't know what I want.

It's like the past is reenacting itself out again.

Dear Lord...I don't want to be here. Give me strength. The joy of my Lord is my strength. Help me to believe in this. I just lost faith in everything. Everything seems to be hopeless.

Soon...

I hope all this is just a dream. Not real. When I get up next morning, everything is in order. Everything's fine. Nothing changed.

Fuck...

I need a lot more courage.

Work

Sometimes it is so boring at work that I actually have time to log in Blogger and type randomly...

Yeah...as short as that.

Renewed, Revived, Recharged...

I just couldn't believe that another year's just gone by with a blink (or maybe few blinks of an eye).Thinking back, when I was still a child, a year does not really have a feeling of a year...you know, the one same day syndrome where you wake up thinking of the same thing again, go to school, play with friends, go home for tuition and some TV cartoons...But things are different as we slowly lose our naivety. Then in another few years, when you understand better what time is, the other snydrome eats in, the deadline snydrome and perhaps some appointment.

You know how different each day from the other with different deadlines to fulfil or rendezvous with different friends. Time seems flying faster with this but then again how can it be possible when time is just a constant. A second is a second, 60 seconds makes a minute. A day is a day...couldn't be more never any lesser.

But now thinking back, the year did really fly by. Don't ask me how but the days seems so short. A lot of things happened last year. Those crazy shopping with Ming in Florence, travelling around Europe with my parents, flying to Australia twice, home for my brother's wedding, and my big day, graduating from university with my degree. Time really did fly.

Of course there are some losing and gaining in the year. Happy and pain is the rule of life. Some friendship lost, some gain. How a simple act of kindness will gain you a lifelong friend or a second of foolishness makes you lose one. How one mistake makes you see what a real friend is and all. Was there more pain than happiness last year? I don't know but I do understand that this is the time to put a stop to such nonsense. But I am really glad that I have seen what a real person you have been and it's time for me to give up and moved on. Lose end tied and burnt at last. I will make the new year mine. 2009 will be my game.

My colleague was telling me that whatever you did on New Year's eve will carry on for the year. I guess I will be sleeping for the whole year because I slept into the New Year waking up in the morning renewed and revived in spirit, looking into another new year that will fly by in a blink of an eye.

There seems a lot of things for me to do and accomplish this year. Well apart from those yearly resolution of losing weight, there's a few new one this year. Career is one bloody new thing making its debut into my list this year. Hoping to do well in it, looking forward to some raise in salary and all. Of course, I am looking forward to excel in my violin playing, wanting to dedicate more time to it. With Max help, really looking forward to form a string quartet. Besides that, I hope I can play a few of Bach Cello Suites this year. This might sound funny but the Aikido philosophy really is eating me bit by bit...The initial thinking of eating vegetarian for health reason slowly become eating for not killing...But for now I don't think I will be one. At least not till I am back in Malaysia.

Renewed, revived and just can't help but to have more faith in this coming year. Everything will be fine. Solemn promise will be fulfilled. No more slacking off...move forward and fight if that might be. Everything...all under God's heaven will be good and nice.

Something which I haven't say and use in my blog for sometimes...Kyrie Eleison, Christe Eleison!!! It really does give an "oomph" each time that's being said. Hahaha

Happy New Year!!!

Christmas Day

How should I put this...For once in life I supposed I have been extremely naughty and bad that Santa Claus missed me out on the list of kids who will be receiving presents. Yeah...not a single presents I got and I did not even get myself a Christmas present too this year. Probably gonna get myself an iPod again this year when I get my pay. Then again, the year's ending in four days time and I doubt I will receive my allowances before that.

Hey I am not working here as free slave!!! Hahaha...

Christmas been special this year. I never expect to be living in exile here in India and attending Christmas Mass in church guarded by police and the army. Again, it's the second year I am attending the Christmas Vigil Mass alone. It's joyful hearing the bells ringing non stop when the Gloria is sung, marking the end of Advent and the beginning of the Christmastide but yet it was rather unhappy to walk out of the crowded church with no friend's hand to shake, or hugging them wishing them a happy and blessed Christmas. Sometimes it make me wonder where I will be the next Christmas. China?

If you guys want to know, though India keep the Christmas celebration, but the atmosphere is just so different and quiet. There are Christmas decoration all over the mall and you can even catch sights of some malnourished and poor Santas dancing in front of the malls but something's just missing...The Yuletide spirit, the Christmas joy and love.

Anyway I am glad for friends that called. Thank you guys very much. Thanks Alexis for the Christmas card too. In fact that was the only card I received this year, apart from an e-card that a sweet lady that works for my Company send me. Of course those text greetings counts too.

Whatever it is...another year just gone by. The year's been up and down for me. Anyhow, God's never fail to bless me with everything good. It's just me that fail to appreciate His blessing. Perhaps it's time to forget everything that is unhappy and move on in life. The new chapter of the book is waiting to reveal itself.

Move on!!!

Happy Christmas everyone (I know it's late but at least we're still in the Octave of Christmas!!!)

God bless!!!!

And yes, I am looking forward to the "syiok sendiri" late Christmas celebration in Malaysia this February!!!

11 Days

Another short update...been here for almost two weeks and praise God...still haven't got knock down by food poisoning except for a lil cough and cold that I catch.

Work wise, everything is fine. There's just too many new assaying techniques to learn and if they don't do work efficiently, I guess we won't be able to complete it all in two months.

As for Christmas, there will be a few days off. Heading to Mysore. Too bad I haven't got any car, else would have hit the road here.

Well...short as that I supposed!!!

Counting down to the magical day!!! Christmas!!!

Revival of a Dead Blog~~~

Yeah...it's time for revival...
The writer of this blog is now in the Land of the Buddha...or better known for its Kama Sutra.
I will be here for 2 months of work training before returning to Boleh-Land for my permanent job.

So...just keep coming back ya for more!!!!

Seitz's Concerto

"Do you have feeling? Do you know what is love? What are you doing there? Can you be more expressive? Are you trying to kick your lover out of the room? You know what's the feeling of being in love or not? When the guy and girl are talking to each other, the contrast?"

No, I don't....

So ya, that was the critical comment I got from my violin teacher last lesson. As mean as he could be....Fuiyooo....

Then again, my heart was burning with desire to make perfect the concerto I am learning on my violin now that I played 4 hours non stop yesterday. My arms are aching now though from that. I pity my mum too who have to listen to me playing the same concerto repetitively for that hours.

Still I am not quite happy with it...Trying to be more expressive...the boy and girl contrast apparently...Way to go I guess...maybe after another 4 hours or I just need to go and get some love and feeling. Which ever way it might be...